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Post by Mark A on Aug 13, 2022 21:54:19 GMT
The Man and his OSTRICH A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, “a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will Be $9.40 please” The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same.” Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, Sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?” "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.” "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a Million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!” "That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?” The man sighs, pauses and answers. "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big rear end and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
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Post by Mark A on Aug 16, 2022 15:36:34 GMT
Three cannibals were given jobs with an international corporation but only on condition that they would not eat any of the other staff. For six months there were no problems until their boss called them onto his office. "The night janitor has gone missing. You are obviuos suspects. You are all fired." As they were collecting their personal items the cannibal leader asked the other two, "Which of you fools ate the janitor?" One raised his hand sheepishly. "You idiot!", said the leader. "For six months we've been feasting on project managers, team leaders, human resource staff and sales managers, then you go and eat someone they'll actually miss!"
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Post by Mark A on Aug 17, 2022 8:07:46 GMT
A State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway. At nearly midnight, he sees a couple in a car, in lovers' lane, with the interior light brightly glowing. He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails. Puzzled by this surprising situation, The trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, Officer?" The trooper asks: "What are you doing?" The young man says: "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine." Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says: "And, her, what is she doing?" The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails." Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane and nothing is happening! The trooper asks: "What's your age, young man?" The young man says: "I'm 22, sir." The trooper asks: "And her, what's her age?" The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."
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Post by Mark A on Aug 18, 2022 11:08:59 GMT
The Art Collector's Wife A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client, "Saul, I have some good news and, I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right."
Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"
The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you with your secretary." 0 Comments
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Post by Mark A on Aug 18, 2022 16:56:25 GMT
Paddy goes on a talent show claiming he can count as quick as lightning. The host of the show sits him down in front of a swarm of ants in a glass case."You have 30 seconds to count these ants," he says, "starting NOW." "3,138," says Paddy after one second. "Wow! That's correct!" says the host. "How on earth did you do that?" "Easy," says Paddy, "I counted the legs and divided by six."
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Post by Mark A on Aug 18, 2022 16:59:35 GMT
A man was recovering from surgery when he received a visit from a Nun. She asked about his wife and family. "We have 14 children", said the patient. "My, what a good and proper Catholic you are", replied the Sister. "We're Baptists", replied the man. The good Sister answered, "Baptists? What are you a sex maniac?"
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Post by Mark A on Aug 19, 2022 15:18:56 GMT
During WW2 a German spy was trained to go to Ireland. "We need to keep an eye on what the Irish are up to," said the Herr Kommandant. "We will parachute you into Ireland, where you will go to the local town and ask for Murphy. He is your contact. You will say to him, 'The weather could change by Tuesday.' " The German duly landed in Ireland, buried his parachute and set off for the town. On the way he saw a local farm worker in a field. "Güt Morg... I mean, Good Morning. Vould you know vair I can find Mister Murphy?" "Well, Sir," answers the man. " It all depends on which Murphy you want. We have a Father Murphy; a Doctor Murphy; Murphy in the post-office; Murphy the Chemist and, as a matter of fact, my name is Murphy." "Oh mein Gott!" thinks the German. Then he has an idea. He says, "The weather could change by Tuesday!" A beatific smile of recognition illuminates the Irishman's face. "Ah," says he, "You'll be wanting Murphy, the spy!"
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Post by Mark A on Aug 20, 2022 18:19:01 GMT
A man walks into the Election office and says to the receptionist, "I would like to put my name forward for the forthcoming elections to be an Independent candidate." The receptionist replied, "Certainly Sir. Please fill in this form." He was filling in the form until he came to the question - ''Are you circumcised?" So he asked the receptionist, "Is this question necessary?" She replied, "Sir. I'm sorry but, if you are circumcised, you aren't eligible to run for election." He asked, "What possible difference would it make if I were circumcised?" She replied, "It's quite simple, Sir ... To become a politician, you have to be a complete prick!!"
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Post by Mark A on Aug 24, 2022 11:31:56 GMT
A young fella with his pants hanging half off his backside, no front teeth and a half-inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local unemployment office to pick up his benefit money. He strolled up to the counter and said: "Hi there, you know what... I really HATE claiming benefits, I'd really much rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system and getting something for nothing." The social worker behind the counter said: "Wow, your timing is excellent. We've just received a job opening from a very wealthy elderly man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his brand new Mercedes-Benz CL, he'll supply all of your clothes and because of the unsocial hours, meals will be provided free of charge, you'll also be expected to escort his daughter on her overseas holiday trips, but you will also have as part of your job, to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sexual appetite." The guy, jaw-dropping and wide-eyed said: "You're bull-shittin' me !" The social worker said: "Yeah, well . . . You started it . . .“
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Post by Mark A on Aug 24, 2022 13:20:42 GMT
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?' The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.' 'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.' 'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.' 'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad. Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.' 'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug !!!
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Post by Mark A on Aug 25, 2022 14:23:12 GMT
Perspectives: What happens when you ask for help with an erection lasting more than 4 hours? I walked into a chemist and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman I was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees. She then asked if she could help me. I said that it was something that I would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The lady pharmacist assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism. I reluctantly agreed and began by saying, This is tough for me to discuss, but I get erections every day that last more than four hours. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it? The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister". When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do. ...1/3 ownership in the store, ...a company ute ...a king size bed and ...$3,000 a month in living expenses"😂
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