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Post by Mark A on Feb 24, 2022 23:32:34 GMT
060923 imgur.com/a/yb78vMe------------------------------------- ------------------------------------- ------------------------------------ ----------------------------------- ---------------------------------- -------------------------------- ----------------------------------- ---------------------------------- ------------------------------------ ------------------------------------ ----------------------------------- ------------------------------------ ------------------------------------
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Post by Mark A on Apr 10, 2022 21:19:17 GMT
A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for £500. They did their thing, and before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his Secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.' On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realising that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a cheque for £250 and enclose the following typed note: 'Dear Madam: Enclosed find a cheque for £250 for rent of your apartment .. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the place, I was under the Impression that: #1 - it had never been occupied; #2 - there was plenty of heat; and #3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home. However, I found out that: #1 - it had been previously occupied, #2 - there wasn't any heat, and #3 - it was entirely too large.' Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque for £250 with the following note: 'Dear Sir: #1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a Beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. #2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you Know how to turn it on. #3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of Regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management. So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady!
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Post by Mark A on Apr 12, 2022 19:44:12 GMT
'Work for your Dole' ....................................... This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.
The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech gear.
It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.
However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for!
At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds,
they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the McLaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.
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Post by Mark A on Apr 12, 2022 21:28:04 GMT
During my physical examination, my doctor asked me about my physical activity level.
I described a typical day this way: "Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk, about 4 miles, through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake.
I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers."
Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one heck of an outdoors man!" "No," I replied, "I'm just a lousy golfer".
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Post by Mark A on Apr 14, 2022 18:25:34 GMT
Young girl from Donegal leaves home to find work among the bright lights of London. Comes home 6 months later and steps out of a taxi, wearing a full-length mink coat. "Begorrah, Colleen" says her mother "'Tis a lovely soft coat yer wearin' - an' it looks so expensive. Where did ye get that?" Colleen replies, "Sure now, I won it at the bingo. Don't they have wonderful prizes in London."
When the weekend's over, Colleen returns to the bright lights, but she's back to visit her mom a few months later. This time, when she steps out of the taxi, she's wearing a beautiful gold wristwatch and a large diamond ring. (Same exchange with mom -- same "Won it at bingo.
" Then Colleen returns to the bright lights once again.)
A few months later, she's back again. And this time she's sporting a beautiful emerald and diamond necklace with matching bracelet and earrings. She hands her mother 1,000 pounds and explains that she won it all at the bingo.
Then she asks her mom to run her a bath as she needs to freshen up. Her mom draws the bath while Colleen gets undressed in her bedroom, but when she gets to the washroom, there's only a quarter inch of hot water in the bathtub.
Colleen, a wee bit peeved at her mom being so cheap with the hot water after being handed 1,000 pounds, calls downstairs, "Mom! Sure now didn't I ask you to run me a bath? There's only a quarter inch of water in the tub!"
"Indade there is, me darlin'" replies her mom. "But we don't want ye gettin' yer fecking bingo ticket wet now, do we?"
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Post by Mark A on Apr 14, 2022 23:25:27 GMT
A woman has a saucy secret rendezvous with her lover, who also happens to be her husband’s best friend, and they make love for hours. Afterwards, as they’re lying in bed together, the woman’s home telephone rings. As she answers, her lover listens in, only hearing her side of the conversation. “Hello? Oh, hey… I’m so glad that you called… Really? That’s wonderful… Well, I’m happy to hear you’re having such a great time… Oh, that sounds terrific… Love you, too. Bye.” She hangs up the phone and her lover looks at her curiously. “Who was that?” he asks. “Oh,” she replies. “Just my husband. He was telling me about the wonderful time he’s having on his fishing trip with you.
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Post by Mark A on Apr 17, 2022 20:24:59 GMT
A lawyer, who had 12 children needed to move because the rental agreement on their house was terminated by the owner, who wanted to reoccupy the home. When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they felt that the children would destroy the place.
He couldn't say he had no children because he couldn't lie (as we all know, lawyers cannot, and do not lie) so he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids. He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent.
Loved one of the homes and the price was right. The agent asked:" How many children do you have?"
He answered: "Twelve." The agent asked, "Where are the others?" The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look, answered, "They're in the cemetery with their mother."
Moral of this story: It's not necessary to lie; one has only to choose the right words. Don't forget — most politicians are lawyers...
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Post by Mark A on Apr 19, 2022 21:35:11 GMT
Please excuse the blatent theological inaccuracies in this joke: A devout Muslim died, and shows up at the Pearly Gates. Seeing a bearded man at the gate, he asks, "are you Mohammed?" The man replies, "no, I'm Peter. Mohammed is up there," pointing to a golden staircase. So he climbs the staircase, and finds a beautiful mansion with a boarded man sitting on the porch. "Are you Mohammed?" he asks. "No," came the reply. "I am Moses. Mohammed is up there." He points to another golden staircase. He climbs this staircase as well, finds another mansion, and encounters Jesus, who sends him up yet another staircase. His excitement grows, as he realizes just how high in heaven Mohammed is. Gasping, he reaches the top, and finds a bearded man sitting on a throne. "Are you Mohammed?" he asks once more. "No, came the reply. "I am God. My son, you look exhausted! Would you like a cup of coffee?" "Yes please, coffee would be delightful," he responds. God rings a bell, and a servant appears. God says, "Mohammed, two coffees please!"
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Post by Mark A on Apr 22, 2022 20:34:25 GMT
A social worker confronted a lawyer at a conference. "Have you made any contributions this year?"
"Look", said the lawyer, "I have five kids after three divorces. My mother is in a nursing home.
My brother hasn't held a job in years and he has three kids to support. My sister is in a wheelchair and has to be transported to therapy every day."
"I'm sorry I brought it up", said the social worker.
"I should think so", said the lawyer. "If I don't give them anything why should I give anything to you?"
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Post by Mark A on Apr 28, 2022 17:30:13 GMT
Dorothy and Edna, two elderly widows, are sat on a bench talking. Dorothy: “That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date… I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.” Edna: “Well, I’ll tell you what happened last week, He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers!
Then he takes me downstairs, and what’s there but a luxury car… a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.
Then he takes me out for a marvelous dinner of lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then, after all that, he takes me to Broadway to see a wonderful show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!”
Dorothy: “That all sounds absolutely fantastic.”
Edna: “Anyway so then we go back to my apartment and he turns into an TOTAL ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress, which cost me a small fortune to buy, and made wild, mad, frenetic love to me all night long!”
Dorothy: “Goodness gracious Edna!… so are you telling me I shouldn’t go out with him?” Edna: “No, no, no Dorothy, I’m just saying be sure to wear an old dress.”
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Post by Mark A on May 1, 2022 0:49:18 GMT
A man and his wife had a falling out and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly the man realised that he would need his wife to wake him the next day at 5am for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE) he wrote on a piece of paper "Please wake me at 5am" and left it where he knew she would see it. The next morning he woke only to discover it was 9am and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't waken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said "It's 5am, Wake Up!" Men are not equipped for these kind of contests !
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Post by Mark A on May 2, 2022 9:03:54 GMT
John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. 'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.' 'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined it was from the attorney of the attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?' 'Yes, I do.', said Keith.
'Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?' 'Well, um, yes!' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?' Keith's face turned beet red, and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'
'She just died and left me everything.
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Post by Mark A on May 2, 2022 11:20:22 GMT
Universal Laws and Pearls of Wisdom 1.Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
2.Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the toolshed.
3.Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4.Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.
5.Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.
6.Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.
7.Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
8.Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!
9.Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
10.Law of the Theatre & Football Stadium - At any event, the people whose seats are farthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance.
11.The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
12.Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
13.Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug
14.Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.
15. Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're probably too ugly to wear
16.The 50-50-90 Law Whenever there's a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability that you'll get it wrong.
17.Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!
18.Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
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Post by Mark A on May 2, 2022 15:33:59 GMT
Ever since I was a child, I've had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him, "I've got problems.
When I go to bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.""Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.""How much do you charge?""Eighty dollars a visit," replied the doctor.
"I'll sleep on it," I said.Six months later I ran into the doctor on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked. "Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480.A bartender cured me for $20.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought a new pickup truck.""Is that so?" he replied, with a bit of attitude.
"And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now."It's always better to get a second opinion.
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Post by Mark A on May 4, 2022 17:51:24 GMT
Definitions of Titles ------------------------ BACHELOR A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable. BRIDE: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. COMPROMISE: An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way. DIPLOMAT: A man who can convince his wife she would look fat in a fur coat. GENTLEMAN: A husband who steadies the stepladder so that his wife will not fall while she paints the ceiling. HOUSEWORK: What the wife does that nobody notices until she doesn't do it. HUSBAND: A man who gives up privileges he never realised he had. JOINT BANK ACCOUNT: A handy little device which permits the wife to beat the husband to the draw. LOVE: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage. MISS: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market. MISTRESS: Something between a mister and a mattress. MOTHER-IN-LAW: A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers. SPOUSE: Someone who will stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single in the first place. WIFE: A mate who is forever complaining about not having anything to wear at the very same time that she complains about not having enough room in the closet!
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