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Post by Mark A on Jul 20, 2022 16:11:43 GMT
A Jewish woman was elected President of the United States, the first Jewish woman ever elected President. She called her mother. "Mama, I won the election! I'm going to be President! You have got to come to the inauguration!" "I don't know", said her mother. "What would I wear?" "Don't worry, I'll send a dressmaker." "But I only eat kosher food." "Mama, I'm going to be President, I can get you kosher food." "But how will I get there?" "I'll send a limo. Just please come, Mama," "Ok, OK, if it makes you happy." January 20th came around and Mama was seated between the Supreme Court Justices and future cabinet members. She nudged the gentleman on her right. "You see that girl", she said, "the one with her hand on the bible? Her brother's a doctor!"
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Post by Mark A on Jul 27, 2022 19:00:33 GMT
A soldier was stationed abroad and received a ‘Dear John’ letter from his girlfriend back home. It read, “Dear Harry, I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated twice since you’ve been gone, and it’s not fair to either of us. I’m sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent you. Love, Kim." The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins, etc. In addition to the picture of Kim, Harry included all the other pictures of pretty girls he had collected. There were 43 photos in the envelope along with a note that read, “Dear Kim, I’m so sorry but I can’t remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me. Take care, Harry.”
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Post by Mark A on Jul 27, 2022 19:03:19 GMT
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, 'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!' The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.
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Post by Mark A on Jul 28, 2022 20:59:01 GMT
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner. I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied. "Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked. "No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive." "Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!" "Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."
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Post by Mark A on Jul 30, 2022 7:43:20 GMT
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87 were sitting on a park bench one morning.The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn’t even short of breath.The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy’s stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.The 87-year-old said, “Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you’ll have great stamina with the ladies.”So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.He said, “Do you have any rye bread?”She said, “Yes, there’s a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?”He said, “I want five loaves.”She said, “My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it’ll be hard.”The old man says to himself, “I can’t believe everybody knows about this but me.”🤣
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Post by Mark A on Jul 30, 2022 17:47:55 GMT
Paddy was telling his mate Patrick about his best pal, Tommy. He told how Tommy was feeling fed up, down and despondent because he was over €3,000 behind with his mortgage and was about to have his home repossessed. He'd driven to the Cliffs of Moher, locked all the doors and was about to drive over to end it all when a total stranger asked him what the heck he was doing and why. After Tommy told all, a group of total strangers had a whip-round and collected over €3,500 to help him. Tommy was overcome with joy and decided not to end it all and continued with his original journey. "Who the heck were those generous strangers" Patrick asked. Paddy replied "Oh, they were the passengers on Tommy's bus".
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Post by Mark A on Jul 31, 2022 12:07:10 GMT
Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub watching the Tour de France on TV. Seamus shook his head and asked, "Whoi t'e hell do they do that?" "Do what?" asked Mick. "Go on them boikes for moiles and moiles, up and down t'e hills, round t'e bends. Day after day, week after week. No matter if it's oicy, rainin?, snowin?, hailin? .. .. ..why would they torture themselves like that?" "Tis all for the prestige and the money," replied Mick, "You know the winner gets about a half a million Euros?. "Yeah, I understand that." said Seamus, "But why do all the others do it?"
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Post by Mark A on Aug 1, 2022 17:47:29 GMT
So, Paddy came home from work early to find his wife without any clothes on.. "What are you doing..??" He asked.. "Erm... I thought we could have a bit of fun.." she replied.. "Let's play naked hide and seek." "You're on!!" Said Paddy, stripping as he ran upstairs.. "I'll hide first!!" He ran into the bedroom and opened the wardrobe door.. His mate Dave was sat there in the nude an says sheepishly "I'm really sorry, mate.." "Don't worry," says Paddy "I'll hide under the bed..!!…..🤣😂🤣
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Post by Mark A on Aug 2, 2022 17:22:19 GMT
After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn’t afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn’t want to have any more children … The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The husband said to the doctor, “B’Jayzus, I may not be the smartest bloke in the world, but I don’t see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem.” “Trust me, it will do the job”, said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: “1, 2, 3, 4, 5,” at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand. This procedure also works in England and Tasmania.
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Post by Mark A on Aug 3, 2022 16:43:12 GMT
I just got back from Walmart and I have to share this! I found myself behind a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He had his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things. The granddad was saying in a controlled voice, “Easy, William, we won’t be long . . . easy boy.” Another outburst and I heard the granddad calmly say, “It’s okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.” At the checkout the little horror was throwing items out of the shopping cart and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, “William, William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes, stay cool William.” Well, I was really impressed, so I went outside to where the grandfather was loading his groceries and the boy into the car. I said to the Grandad, “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it! That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying that things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his granddad.” “Thanks,” said the Granddad, “But I’m William. That little shit’s name is Kevin.”
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Post by Mark A on Aug 5, 2022 16:25:36 GMT
A man and a woman are seated next to each other on a flight. They start eyeing each other, and before long, they both realize they want the same thing. He slips a condom out of his pocket, she sees it and beams with delight. "Rear toilet?", he suggests. She agrees and goes off down the aisle. He waits two minutes, then goes to the back and slips in there with her. "Right, but first, you put that condom on", she says. He does that, and soon they are both sighing with pleasure. But a sharp-eyed stewardess has noticed them, and realizes what they are up to. So she humiliates them by making an announcement on the PA system. "To the lady and gentleman in the rear toilet, we all know what you are doing, and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations. Now, please put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector." And what were you thinking? Hmmm....Worry about that dirty mind of yours...😋
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Post by Mark A on Aug 5, 2022 18:23:20 GMT
A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. 'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.' 'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.' A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?' Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation. The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic; 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. (THIS GETS BETTER!) The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because: 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on; 2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves; 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model. The women won.
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Post by Mark A on Aug 5, 2022 20:53:21 GMT
A married couple trying to live up to a snobbish lifestyle went to a party. The conversation turned to Mozart. “Absolutely brilliant, magnificent, a genius!” The woman, wanting to join in the conversation, remarked casually, “Ah, Mozart. You’re so right. I love him. Only this morning I saw him getting on the No. 5 bus going to Victoria station.” There was a sudden hush, and everyone looked at her. Her husband was mortified. He pulled her away and whispered, “We’re leaving right now. Get your coat and let’s get out of here.” As they drove home, he kept muttering to himself. Finally, his wife turned to him. “You’re angry about something.” “Oh really? You noticed?” he sneered. “I’ve never been so embarrassed in my life! You saw Mozart take the No.5 bus to Victoria station? You idi*ot! Don’t you know the No.5 bus doesn’t go out to Victoria station?”
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Post by Mark A on Aug 11, 2022 18:31:35 GMT
The Englishman’s wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. “Good God, woman! Why aren’t you wearing any undies?” her husband demanded. “Well, you don’t give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.” The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, “For the sake of decency, here’s £10. Go and buy yourself some underwear. “Next, the Irishman’s wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she too is wearing no undies. “Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You’ve no undies. Why not?” She replies, “I can’t afford any on the money you give me.” He reaches into his pocket and says, “For the sake of decency, here’s £20. Go and buy yourself some knickers!” Lastly, the Scotsman’s wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. “Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where are yer drawers?” She too explains, “You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.” The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, “Well, fer the love ‘o Jesus, here’s a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit.”
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Post by Mark A on Aug 11, 2022 21:21:14 GMT
Paddy had been drinking at his local pub all day and most of the night. Mick, the bartender says, ‘You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’. Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then’. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. ‘Damn’ he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, ‘oh bloody damn!’ He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he’ll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face. ‘Be-Jesus… I’m in bloody trouble,’ he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says ‘No bloody way....’ He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says ‘I can make it to the bed’. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says ‘damn it’ and falls into bed. The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, ‘Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?’ Paddy says, ‘I did, Jess. I was bloody pissed. But how did you know?’ ‘Mick phoned .. . . You left your wheelchair at the pub.’
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