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Post by Mark A on May 5, 2022 20:26:51 GMT
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday & the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him & said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?" Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat & I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn has a hat just like mine & I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass & I figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion & steal McGlynn's hat." The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?" Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all." With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile & said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in hell, eh?" Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left me hat."
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Post by Mark A on May 6, 2022 18:04:49 GMT
A good-looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.
The agent asked, "What's your name?
The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."
The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."
"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old. I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever!"
The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years and you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."
"So be it! I guess we will not do business together," the guy said, and he left the agent's office.
FIVE YEARS LATER ... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck. ...... who would possibly send him $50,000?
He reads the letter enclosed.
Dear Sir:
Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, You told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian.
After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.
Thank you for your advice.
Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke
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Post by Mark A on May 7, 2022 17:43:07 GMT
An Aussie trucker walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu. A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays. The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.' Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress. 'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.. ' Same for me,' says the emu. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.' Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?' 'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.' 'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!' 'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man. Still curious the waitress asks, ' But... What's with the bloody emu?' The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'
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Post by Mark A on May 9, 2022 16:52:41 GMT
Englishman: "That your dog?" Welshman: "Aye" Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?' Welshman: "Dog don't talk.” Englishman: Hey dog, how's it going?" Dog: "Doing all right." Welshman: (look of shock) Englishman: Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the Welshman) Dog: "Yep." Englishman: How's he treating you?" Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the park once a week to play." Welshman: (Look of total disbelief!) Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your horse?" Welshman: "Horse don't talk.” Englishman: "Hey horse how's it going?" Horse: "Cool." Welshman: (Extreme look of shock!) Englishman: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Welshman) Horse: "Yep." Englishman: "How's he treating you?" Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a nice stable to protect me from the weather." Welshman: (Look of total amazement!) Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your sheep? Welshman: "That sheep's a flipping liar!!”
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Post by Mark A on May 13, 2022 16:16:19 GMT
"Mummy.” Asked Susie. “Why do you always cut the ends off of the sausages before you put them in the pan?” “Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it. You’ll have to ask her.” “Granny.” Asked Susie the next time her grandmother visited. “Why do you and Mummy cut the ends off of the sausages before you put them in the pan?” “Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it.” Says Susie’s granny. “You’ll have to ask her.” “Great Granny.” Asked Susie the next time they visit her slightly senile great grandmother at the nursing home.) “Why do you and Granny and Mummy always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the pan?” “Oh, for fuck sake.” Says Great Granny. “Are they still using that small pan?”
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Post by Mark A on May 16, 2022 15:21:05 GMT
RULES TO TEACH YOUR SON 1. Never shake a man’s hand sitting down. 2. Don’t enter a pool by the stairs. 3. The man at the BBQ Grill is the closest thing to a king. 4. In a negotiation, never make the first offer. 5. Request the late check-out. 6. When entrusted with a secret, keep it. 7. Hold your heroes to a higher standard. 8. Return a borrowed car with a full tank of gas. 9. Play with passion or don’t play at all… 10. When shaking hands, grip firmly and look them in the eye. 11. Don’t let a wishbone grow where a backbone should be. 12. If you need music on the beach, you’re missing the point. 13. Carry two handkerchiefs. The one in your back pocket is for you. The one in your breast pocket is for her. 14. You marry the girl, you marry her family. 15. Be like a duck. Remain calm on the surface and paddle like crazy underneath. 16. Experience the serenity of traveling alone. 17. Never be afraid to ask out the best looking girl in the room. 18. Never turn down a breath mint. 19. A sport coat is worth 1000 words. 20. Try writing your own eulogy. Never stop revising. 21. Thank a veteran. Then make it up to him. 22. Eat lunch with the new kid. 23. After writing an angry email, read it carefully. Then delete it. 24. Ask your mom to play. She won’t let you win. 25. Manners maketh the man. 26. Give credit. Take the blame. 27. Stand up to Bullies. Protect those bullied. 28. Write down your dreams. 29. Take time to snuggle your pets, they love you so much and are always happy to see you. 30. Be confident and humble at the same time. 31. If ever in doubt, remember whose son you are and REFUSE to just be ordinary! 32. In all things lead by example not explanation.
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Post by Mark A on May 18, 2022 16:31:48 GMT
“On a bus, the priest sat next to a drunk man. Suddenly, the drunk asked the priest: Do you know what *arthritis* is? The priest quickly thought of taking the opportunity to lecture the drunkard and replied: "It's a disease caused by sinful and unruly life: excess, consumption of alcohol, drugs, marijuana, crack, and certainly lost women, prostitutes, promiscuity, sex, binges and other things I dare not say." The drunk man widened his eyes, shut up and continued reading the newspaper. A little later the priest, thinking that he had been too hard on the drunk man, tried to soften his approach: How long have you had arthritis? I don't have arthritis! It says here in the paper that the Pope has it.”
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Post by Mark A on May 18, 2022 18:23:57 GMT
A dedicated unionist was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?" "No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't." "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered. Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules." The man asked, "And, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20." "That's more like it!" the union man said. He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde. "I'd like her," he said. "I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next."
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Post by Mark A on May 20, 2022 20:43:03 GMT
There was a recently demobbed soldier, on his way to home, when passing through a sad, sad town. Upon inquiry about the sadness and despondency, he learned that there was a dragon living in the hills who comes down once a month and claims a virgin girl, and it was due again in two weeks.
Let me sort it out for you, says the soldier, he stayed in the village for two weeks and the dragon starved to death
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Post by Mark A on May 21, 2022 20:45:59 GMT
According to a news report, a certain private school in Kensington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the toilets. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the janitor would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the Headmistress decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the toilets and met them there with the janitor. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the janitor, who had to clean the mirrors every night, and to demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked him to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Strangely, since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers, and then there are educators......
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Post by Mark A on May 24, 2022 18:25:14 GMT
Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton One student turned in the following book report, in which he felt that they were nearly identical stories. His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report. Titanic: Cost - $29.99 Clinton: Cost - $29.99 Titanic: Over 3 hours to read Clinton: Over 3 hours to read Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe. Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe. Titanic: Jack is a starving artist. Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist. Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar. Clinton: Ditto for Bill. Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined. Clinton: Ditto for Monica. Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit. Clinton: Let's not go there. Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry. Clinton: Monica is forced to return her gifts. Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life. Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember anything. Titanic: Rose goes down with a vessel full of seamen. Clinton: Monica…let's not go there, either. Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
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Post by Mark A on May 24, 2022 18:30:56 GMT
Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over". So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy." The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body. Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy." The mortician asked, "How can you tell..?" Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two assholes." "What..? He had two assholes..?" asked the mortician. "Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two assholes.......
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Post by Mark A on Jun 11, 2022 17:09:46 GMT
A young guardsman is on the gate at Buckingham palace. The RSM walks up to him and says "Right lad, the Queen is out on public duties I want to know the minute she gets back here, do you understand? The minute she's back you let me know". "Yes sir " says the young guardsman. So 10 minutes later a big limo pulls in through the gates, the guardsman stops the car, pops his head in and says " scuse me ma'am are you the Queen? " "No I'm princess Ann" "ok sorry to delay you, proceed". The next limo pulls in and he sticks his head in the window " scuse me ma'am are you the Queen? " "No I'm princess Margaret"." Ok sorry to delay you ma'am, proceed. Next limo pulls in and same again, he sticks his head in the window, "Scuse me ma'am, are you the Queen?." "Yes I'm the Queen"."Right" he says. "Well make yourself scarce love cos the RSM is lookin for you".😂
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Post by Mark A on Jul 16, 2022 16:11:23 GMT
Two factory workers from Dublin decided to take a fishing holiday in the west of Ireland. They spared no expense buying the best equipment, spending a small fortune on rods, reels, wading suits, a row boat, and accomodations. At the end of their three day trip they managed to catch only one fish. As they were driving home Mick turned to Sean and said, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish cost us 2,000 euro?" "Good God", said Sean, "then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"
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Post by Mark A on Jul 16, 2022 17:29:10 GMT
So what about the rich Irish horse owner , flew this top jockey in to win a race on this horse ,,, “IT WAS GOING TO WIN !! “ ,,,,, the owner tells the jockey ,,, wen u approach the jumps ,,,, say 1 2 3 jump ,, well Amongst. . All. the excitement. the jockey forgot ,, and hit the first jump , ,, there was straw filth and coral betting sighs , smashed everywhere ,,, 2nd jump ,,, and the jockey forgot again ,, and smashed into the jump ,, nearly unseating the rider ,,,, THEN the jockey REMEMBERED !!! , 3 rd jump ,,, 1-2-3-jump ,, the horse flew over the hurdle ,, next fence 1-2-3- jump ,,, the jockey settled down , and came home second ,,,,, the rich Irish. owner ,,,, met the jockey in the runners up enclosure ,,, grabbed the jockey by the throat ,,,, and said ,, this horse should hav won ,,,,,,,,” u forgot to say ,,, 1-2 -3 jump “ ,,,, ant to get out of trouble ,,,,, the jockey said ,,, I didn’t forget ,,, honest ,,,,,,,,,,,,, I think the horse is deaf ,,,,,,, the owner said ,,,,,,,, he s not deaf u ,,, tw_t ,,,,,,, HE S BLIND !!!!! Xxxx
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