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Post by Mark A on May 28, 2022 20:56:29 GMT
A man went into Asda and tried to buy half a cauliflower. The very young greens-produce assistant told him that they sold only whole cauliflowers. The man persisted, and asked to see the manager, and the boy went to find him. Walking into the stock room, the boy said to his manager, "Some w****r out there wants to buy half a cauliflower." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the customer standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people here who think on their feet. Where are you from, son?" "Cardiff, sir," the boy replied. "Why did you leave Cardiff ?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing there but prostitutes and rugby players." "Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Cardiff." "You're kidding?" replied the boy. "What position did she play?"
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Post by Mark A on May 29, 2022 17:31:08 GMT
A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal: Before the match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said. "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished." The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen. Suddenly, there was a long, high pitched scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match. The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked. "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!" The wrestler answered. "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those buggers just as hard as I could." The trainer exclaimed. "Oh, so that's what finished him off?" "Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!" 😂😂😂💪
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Post by Mark A on May 29, 2022 17:54:09 GMT
Amish Lady Stopped by Traffic Officer "I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous." "I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home." "Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals so you should have your husband check that too." "Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check this when I get home." True to her word, when the Amish lady got home, she told her husband about the broken reflector. He said he would put a new one on immediately. "Also, the policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake."
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Post by Mark A on Aug 25, 2022 16:41:02 GMT
*True facts*
In the 1400s a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have 'the rule of thumb.' Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only - Ladies Forbidden'... and thus the acronym GOLF entered into the English language. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades - King David, Hearts - Charlemagne, Clubs -Alexander the Great, Diamonds - Julius Caesar In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase: 'goodnight, sleep tight.' It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon. Since 1966, England fans have said they are going to win the cup at the start of every football competition, hence the phrase “English twats"
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Post by Mark A on Jul 4, 2023 1:59:47 GMT
*True facts* In the 1400s a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have 'the rule of thumb.' Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only - Ladies Forbidden'... and thus the acronym GOLF entered into the English language. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades - King David, Hearts - Charlemagne, Clubs -Alexander the Great, Diamonds - Julius Caesar In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase: 'goodnight, sleep tight.' It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon. Since 1966, England fans have said they are going to win the cup at the start of every football competition, hence the phrase “English twats" Kev_sample.xlsm (267.62 KB)
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