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Post by Mark A on Apr 4, 2022 17:16:02 GMT
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church, by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the Old Abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing. "We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the bloody R!" His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old Abbot, "What's wrong, father?" With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies, "The word was .... CELEBRATE!"
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Post by Visitor on Apr 4, 2022 23:16:51 GMT
I top your last post Mark.
The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, “Since you’ve been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven.”Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, “I want to hang out with God.” St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. Arthur then asked God, “Hey, aren’t you the inventor of woman?” God said, “Ah, yes.” “Well,” said Arthur, “professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention: 1. There’s too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.4. The intake is placed ! way too close to the exhaust.5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous.” “Hmmmm, you may have some good points there,” replied God, “hold on.” God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. “Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,” God said to Arthur, “but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.”
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Post by Mark A on Apr 5, 2022 19:51:58 GMT
Do you know these historical titbits about death?
A wake served as a safeguard against burying someone who was not dead, but in a coma. Most wakes also lasted 3-4 days to allow relatives to arrive from far away. The use of flowers and candles helped to mask unpleasant odours in the room before embalming became common. In 19th century Europe and America, the dead were carried out of the house feet first, in order to prevent the spirit from looking back into the house and beckoning another member of the family to follow him. In rural areas before embalming was practised, pre-civil war, people would "wake the body". The custom was to sit with the deceased all night, usually 2 nights, to make sure the person in question was truly deceased.
Funerals were held in the home of the deceased. They were open to the public rather than just for friends and family. The body would usually be displayed in the front parlour, but sometimes in the loved one's bedroom. As news of the death spread, people would stop by the home to pay their respects. If a funeral was held at a funeral parlour, it usually meant the person did not have enough family or friends to take care of the services.
Coffins were not used by early settlers. Instead, a sheet often consisting of wool or linen dipped in wax, a blanket, or a quilt was used to wrap the body. The covering was usually supplied by women friends or family. The first coffins came in the later 1800s and were often carved-out hollow tree sections.
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Post by Mark A on Apr 6, 2022 19:46:15 GMT
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Post by Mark A on Apr 6, 2022 20:06:51 GMT
The crew of a Ryanair A380 Flt 268 made a wrong turn during taxi for departure at Heathrow and came nose to nose with another aircraft: The furious ground controller (a female) started yelling. "Speedbird 268" where are you going? I instructed you to turn right on 'Charlie' taxiway, you turned right on 'Delta'. Stop right there." Continuing her verbal lashing of the embarrassed crew, she shouted. "It'll take forever to sort this out due to your screw up. Hold your position and don't move until I tell you to. You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about a half hour and I expect you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you and how I tell you. You got that?" The frequency went very quiet until an unknown male pilot broke the silence.. "Wasn't I married to you once?"😂
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Post by Mark A on Apr 7, 2022 18:00:14 GMT
A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.' So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.' When they opened the door, they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass. A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?' 'Uh...yeah!, sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied. 'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually, I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.' Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'
'No problem,' said the genie, 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!' 'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.
'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world, complete with servants,' she said. 'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!' 'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?' 'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.' The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?' She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?' You know I love you, sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!' So the genie and the woman went upstairs, where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'
'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.
'No Kidding,' he said. 'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'
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Post by Mark A on Apr 8, 2022 18:30:56 GMT
Blondes are More Fun . CAR TROUBLE A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, “What's the story?” He replies, “Just crap in the carburetor.” She asks, “How often do I have to do that?”
SPEEDING TICKET A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her driver’s license. She replied in a huff, “I wish you guys would get your act together! Just yesterday they took my license away and now today you expect me to show it to you?”
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. “Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me.” The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, “You're not really a redhead, are you?” “Well, no,” she said, “I'm actually a blonde.” “I thought so,” the doctor said, “Your finger is broken.”
KNITTING A Highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, “PULL OVER!” “NO!” the blonde yelled back, “IT'S A SCARF!”
BLONDE ON TIME A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named “Rolex” and one was named “Timex”. Her friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?” “Helllooooo...! ,” answered the blonde. “They're watchdogs.”
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES! In the swim-meet, after the blond came in last competing n the breaststroke, she complained to the judges that all the other girls were using their arms.
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Post by Mark A on Apr 9, 2022 17:33:43 GMT
BIT OF SERIOUS NEWS FOR A CHANGE , UK RAISES ALERT LEVEL
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent Russian threats and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.”
The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.
The Russians have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s Get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years. The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability. Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.” The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.” Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels. The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy. Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level. The Americans will be there in a year or so!
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Post by pete on Apr 11, 2022 11:53:02 GMT
A Scottish Soldier in full dress uniform marches into a chemist shop. Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandanna, he unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom. The condom has a number of patches on it. The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically. "How much to repair it?" the Scot asks the chemist. "50 pence," says the chemist. "How much for a new one?" "1 pound" says the chemist. The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandanna, replaces it carefully in his sporran and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging. A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout. The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemist and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face. "The regiment has taken a vote," he says. "We'll have a new one."
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Post by Mark A on Apr 11, 2022 12:50:06 GMT
Good one Pete, see how you like this;
Just for laughs! .The wife checked her husband's phone and found these names: - The tender one - The amazing one - Lady of my dreams She got angry and called the first number to find out that was his mother. Then she called the second number on which his sister replied . When she dialed the third number her own phone rang !!!! She cried until her eyes got swollen because she had doubted her innocent husband, so she gave him her whole months salary to make up for it. Husband took the money and bought a gift for his girlfriend whose name was saved as "Uncle Mike - mechanic”
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Post by Mark A on Apr 13, 2022 18:12:52 GMT
So a female employee got an expensive pen as a birthday gift from her boss. She sent him a 'Thank you note' by email:
Boss’s wife read the email and filed for divorce.
The email said: Your penis wonderful and I enjoyed using it last night. It has extra ordinary smooth flow and a firm stroke.
I loved its perfect size and grip. Felt like I was in heaven when using it.Thanks a lot.!
Moral: A "space" is an essential part of English grammar! 😂
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Post by Funny on Apr 30, 2022 7:47:32 GMT
Woman stops 12 ft gator with .22 pistol! "Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack Using a small .22 caliber Ruger Pistol." Another good reason to have a concealed weapons permit. This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. Here's her story in her own words: "While walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in the Villages discussing a property settlement with my soon-to-be ex-husband, and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water. It began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. "If I had not had my little Ruger .22 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible and his life insurance was also a big bonus!”
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Post by Mark A on May 25, 2022 18:40:09 GMT
The Pope is having some work done in the vatican. As he is passing one of the carpenters hits his thumb with a hammer "Fecking Hell!" he cries. The pope is horrified and tells the carpenter "My son, this is the house of God, such profanities are not appropriate here. If you have hurt yourself in some way you should offer your prayer to our lord Jesus and he will give you relief from your suffering" Next day as the Pope is passing the same carpenter chops off his fingers with a saw. "Oh my God! Sweet Jesus please help me now!" says the carpenter. With that the fingers levitate themselves and re-attach themselves to the poor carpenter's hand, all the blood disappears and the carpenter wiggles his fingers, "Fecking Hell" says the pope.
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Post by Mark A on May 25, 2022 19:57:59 GMT
A hillbilly went hunting one day in West Virginia and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home where he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like hillbillies. The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid West Virginia hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed it's butt, and said, "This duck ain't from West Virginia. This is a Kentucky duck. You got a Kentucky hunting license, boy?" The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kentucky hunting license. The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed it's butt, and said, "This ain't no Kentucky duck. This duck's from Tennessee. You got an Tennessee licence?" The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Tennessee license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck. "This duck's from Virginia. You got a Virginia hunting license?" Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a Virginia hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly, "Just where the hell are you from?" The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, "You tell me, you're the expert!" 😂
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Post by Mark A on May 27, 2022 20:29:45 GMT
A man gets home early from work and catches his wife in bed with another man... The husband challenges the other man to an old fashioned duel with his hand guns, whoever manages to shoot first and kill the other gets his wife. The other man agrees, so they go into another room so the wife doesn't have to see it. Once in the other room, the husband turns to the other man and says: "Why should either of us have to die? We will both fire a shot into the air and lay on the ground as if we're dead, when she comes in she will see our 'lifeless' bodies and rush to one of us, whoever she chooses can have her." The other man agrees again, so they fire into the air and collapse. The wife throws the door open and peers down at the two men, then backs out of the room and calls out: "Darling, you can come out! They're both dead!"
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