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Post by Guest on Feb 27, 2022 17:40:32 GMT
Are you going to police this blog or open slather for any topic.
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Post by local oaf on Mar 2, 2022 7:11:22 GMT
Thanks for the lame pics Mark, always greatly appreciated. Need every chuckle we can get these days!
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Post by Mark A on Mar 2, 2022 20:12:11 GMT
local oaf, if they make you smile, then I'm happy. Thanks.
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Post by Mark A on Mar 4, 2022 19:50:01 GMT
I knew about the German coal-fired power stations being reopened, the worst kind mind you, using lignite. But now they are quietly reopening their nuclear power stations too. Amazing what a cold backside will do. Looks like candles in a pot just won't heat the house or cook dinner.
What is more incredible is the ineptitude of the Australian coal producers. With proper marketing, they could shift a lot of coal to Germany and GB. I suppose it's easier to just sit back and rely on Chinese buyers. Pathetic.
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Post by Mark A on Mar 5, 2022 17:32:05 GMT
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Post by Mark A on Mar 9, 2022 18:29:46 GMT
As always, in a war the government provides the weapons, the rich the money, the common people their sons.
After the war the government takes back the weapons, the rich their money and the common folk is looking for the graves of their sons.
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Post by Mark A on Mar 16, 2022 17:48:06 GMT
Did You Know?
The pink fairy armadillo, indigenous to central Argentina, is the smallest armadillo in the world at 3.5-4.5 inches in length (90-115 mm) and around 4.2 ounces (120 g) in weight. In contrast, the nine-banded armadillo, more familiar to U.S. readers since it is found throughout North, Central, and South America, is 15-23 inches (38-58 cm) in length (not including the tail) and generally 5.5-14.3 pounds (2.5-6.5 kg) in weight.
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Post by Guest on Mar 18, 2022 20:08:30 GMT
In a criminal justice system based on 12 individuals not smart enough to get out of jury duty, here is a jury to be proud of: A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt but there was no corpse. In the defence's closing statement, the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally, the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, and I insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.” The jury retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. "But how?" inquired the lawyer. You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.” The jury foreman replied: "Yes, we did look, But your client didn't.”
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Post by Mark A on Mar 25, 2022 19:40:36 GMT
An Englishman, Scotsman, and Irishman wanted to see the Olympics, but they didn't have tickets. They went round back to see if they could sneak in, but there was a guard at the rear entrance which is also where the competing athletes entered. The Englishman looks around and sees a long pole on the ground and gets an idea. He grabs the pole and walks up to the guard and says "Bentley. England. Pole Vaulting." The guard thinks he's an athlete and let's him in. The Scotsman sees this and thinks he could try too. He grabbed a manhole cover and walked up to the guard. "MacGregor. Scotland. Discus." and the guard let him in. The Irishman is looking all over for something to help get him in and sees a bale of barbed wire. He grabs the bale and proudly exclaims to the guard... "Murphy. Ireland. Fencing."
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Post by pete on Mar 27, 2022 15:17:59 GMT
Two French paratroopers were seconded to the SAS for special training. After the first day they met up in the bar. "Ah, Pierre," asks one, "'Ow 'av you been doing?" "Merde!" answers Pierre. "I 'av 'ad ze most terrible day. Terrible! At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged me out of bed and on to ze parade ground." "And zen what 'appened?" "I will tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform five ft off ze ground and zen 'e said "Jurmp!" "And did you jurmp?" "I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp five feet. Eet is beneath my dignity'." "And zen what 'appened?" "Zen 'e made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform ten feet off ze ground, and 'e said "Jurmp." "And did you jurmp?" "I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp ten feet. Eet is beneath my dignity'." "What 'appened zen?" "Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform un 'undred feet above ze parade ground. 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous weely, and 'e said 'If you do not jurmp, I am going to steek zis right urp your burm!'" "Sacre Bleu, mon ami. And did you jurmp?" "A leetle, at ze beginning."
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Post by A lurker on Mar 28, 2022 19:17:53 GMT
A bakery owner hires a gorgeous young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and no panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says. The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf. The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought. When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves. As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread. After many trips, she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?" Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd. Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?" "No," he stammers, "But it is quivering a little..."
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Post by Mark A on Mar 30, 2022 21:16:34 GMT
Grandaughter Holly arguing with her friend about whose grandpa was better. “My grandpa doesn’t need a walking stick,”Holly boasted. “Yeah well my grandpa can still drive,” her friend replied. “Oh yeah?” Holly said as she puffed out her chest. “Well, my grandpa doesn’t even use glasses!” Her friend shook her head and replied: “That’s not true!” “Yes it is!” Holly yelled back. “He drinks straight from the bottle!”
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Post by Mark A on Apr 2, 2022 11:34:28 GMT
'You guys in the trench,' shouted the foreman. 'Can you climb out a minute.' And out they clambered. 'Stamp your feet as hard as you can,' he ordered. And they did. 'Now jump back into the trench, then jump out and stamp your feet again.' 'Excuse me, sor,' muttered O'Rafferty, 'would this be some kind of pagan ritual or such like?' 'No,' said the gaffer, 'you're bringing out more soil with your boots than you are with your feckin shovels!'
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Post by Mark A on Apr 2, 2022 17:51:32 GMT
A small boy named Bruce lived in a suburb of Dublin, Ireland. None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him, "You’re driving me mad, Bruce." One day, Bruce 's mum came to school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mum honestly, that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and never had she seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career. The mum was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from school and moved out of Dublin, relocating to Galway. 25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardio disease. All the doctors strongly advised her to have heart surgery, which only one surgeon could perform. Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful. When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her. She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something, but eventually died. The doctor was shocked and was trying to determine what went wrong. When he turned around, he saw our friend Bruce, working as a cleaner in the clinic, who had unplugged the oxygen equipment in order to connect his vacuum cleaner. Don't tell me you thought Bruce became a heart surgeon. Sometimes I wonder about you? ?
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Post by Mark A on Apr 3, 2022 17:50:15 GMT
A long haired kiwi walked into the local Centrelink office to pick up his dole cheque. He marched straight up to the counter and said, 'Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing the dole. I'd really rather have a job.'
The Centrelink girl behind the counter said, ' Your timing is excellent, Sir.' 'We have just received a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2022 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive. A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year. '
The kiwi plain wide-eyed, said, ' You're bullshitin' me! '
The Centrelink worker replied, ' Yeah, well . . you started it.'
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